Cheesy OpenSees Jokes

Original Post - 23 Nov 2023 - Michael H. Scott

Although the technical aspects of OpenSees are fondue write about, from brine to brine, I come up with curdy OpenSees jokes.

Many of the following jokes were inspired by this list.

If OpenSees is a gouda name, what would be cheddar?
OpenCheese
Which programming language is cheddar than C++?
C Sharp
Why did the OpenSees analysis of a cheese factory fail?
One stilton could not support its gravity load
Why did the cheese maker start using the PFEM in OpenSees?
They wanted to model debrie
What did one engineer say to the other when assessing the seismic response of a cheese factory?
Let’s OpenSees together, there’s no need for us to go it provolone
How do you ask for a piece of OpenSees string cheese?
You make a pull request
What did the cheese maker say after the FullGenLapack eigenvalue solver finished?
It’s about edam time
What do Swiss cheese and the FullGeneral system have in common?
They’re both full of holes
What was the cheese maker guilty of when using more than two integration points in a dispBeamColumn element?
Swissful thinking
How do you define the mass of a cheese slab in OpenSees?
You divide its whey by g
Why did the cheese maker fail the structural dynamics exam?
They couldn’t remember the moldal combination rules
What is a cheese maker’s favorite OpenSees command?
block3D
What is a cheese slicer’s favorite OpenSees command?
block2D
What do you call a degenerate matrix of cheese slices?
A singlelarity
Why did the OpenSees analysis of a cheese factory take so long?
There were too many load quesos
¿Cuál es el queso favorito de los ingenieros estructurales?
Vigano
How does a cheese maker start a Newton-Raphson iteration?
They formaggio the residual vector
How do you achieve quadratic convergence of the cheese making process?
You use a consistent Jacolbyan
What do you call a cable made of mozzarella?
A cheesy pickup line
What did the joists say after being covered in cheese?
In gouda we truss
What do you call an OpenSees script you didn’t write?
NachoSees

In the Comments section below, let me know of any cheesy OpenSees jokes I missed.

I work on problems related to modeling and nonlinear structural analysis. If these problems are relevant to a current professional project, feel free to reach out.