OpenSees Pirate Jokes

Original Post - 19 Sep 2025 - Michael H. Scott

Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, a “holiday” that originated in 1995 just up the road from Eastchester. Corollaries between OpenSees and pirate speak be plenty.

Whether you are a landlubber getting your OpenSees legs or an old salt who doesn’t need documentation, Google, or ChatGPT to define a 3D model of RC moment frames, these jokes be for you, matey.

How does a pirate build fiber sections in OpenSees?
One patch at a time, just like everyone else
How does a pirate find comfortable eye wear?
By performing patch tests
How does a pirate determine if a port is suitable for docking?
Pier review
Why did the pirate falsely yell “land ahoy” every 15 minutes?
They wanted to boost their citation rate
Why are pirates good at designing reinforced concrete connections?
They know how to anchor
Did you hear about the pirate whose model had a zero eigenvalue?
They had a rigid booty mechanism
How do pirates identify the forces acting on a structural member?
They draw a free booty diagram
What is a pirate’s favorite engineered wood product?
Mast timber
What is a pirate’s favorite type of lateral bracing?
X
What does a pirate call data from an instrumented pile?
Buried treasure
What is a pirate’s favorite liquefaction test site?
Treasure Island
What do you call a pirate who analyzes structural stability with swagger?
A swashbuckler
Why did the pirate have a hard time understanding material nonlinearity?
They were bound by Hooke’s law
What is a pirate’s favorite structural shape?
The aye-beam
How do pirates learn influence lines?
They walk the plank
How does a pirate feel when their OpenSees analyses do not converge?
OpenSeesPy-rate
Where do pirates send their IDAs that fail to converge?
To Davey Jones’s Locker
Where do pirates store their seismic isolation devices?
Below deck
Linking to which scripting language will get more pirates to use OpenSees?
Arrrrr
Why do pirates know finite element analysis so well?
Because they spend years on OpenSees

In the Comments section below, let me know of any pirate jokes that went by the board.